


Time and Relative Diner in Space

by CaelanIsAFreak



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Torchwood
Genre: Canon Queer Character, Canon Queer Relationship, Crack, F/F, F/M, Honestly I kind of suck at writing so bear with me, I hope that my attempt at humor worked, Jack being Jack, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Queer immortal time Travelers, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:17:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5416685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaelanIsAFreak/pseuds/CaelanIsAFreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a girl that's had far too long a life and a girl that's been dead for millions of years steal a TARDIS and run away together chaos is bound to ensue.</p>
<p>I just really like the idea of Clara and Me time traveling together and meeting Jack Harkness and having an American diner of queer immortal time travelers.</p>
<p>This is my first fic so if it sucks then I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crash Land

Jack Harkness was lonely and bored. There really isn’t much to do in the Torchwood hub anymore. You can only deal with the odd rouge Weevil emerging from the sewers day in day out for a short period of time without literally dying of boredom. Now there was something he hadn’t done yet, the man who had died far too many times had not yet died of boredom. Not that it would be too long until that happened considering the current state of his so called job. Somehow he didn’t think that staring mindlessly at computer screens for the vast majority of the day only to see a lone empty chip poke float past in the wind and occasionally taking long walks around Cardiff in the hope of finding something remotely interesting really pertained to his job description of alien catcher.

It was days like this that reminded him just how lonely he actually was. No Tosh frantically typing away and being an adorable little computer whizz. No Owen being that annoying yet lovable sarcastic, whiney arsehole moaning that he stunk of questionable alien bodily fluids /again/. He hadn’t seen Rex since the so-called Miracle Day, at least he kept him updated with his newly immortal life and his adventures which where all way more interesting than anything Jack had done since then. Even Gwen was too busy with Rhys and Anwen to work for Torchwood any more, not that working for Torchwood meant doing much nowadays. And the one that caused Jack the most heartache, was there was no more Ianto. No more bloody brilliant coffee. No more bloody brilliant sex. No more cuddling in the hub after everyone else had went home. And most importantly no more of the only person Jack had ever truly loved.  Jack missed Ianto more than anything. Though he tried not to think about that too much to avoid the inevitable heartbreak that had been weighing on him for years.

Overall, Jack Harkness was lonely and bored.

That was until an American diner fell from the sky.

~

‘Clara, darling, why on earth are we in Cardiff right now? The entire universe at your fingertips, the entire duration of space and time in front of you, and you choose 21st century Cardiff!?’  Me asked, well more demanded of, her lover after she stood up from her newly discovered position on the floor. A crashing TARDIS is never an easy location to remain upright.

‘You expect me to know what we’re doing here?’ a muffled voice called out from somewhere underneath the control panel, ‘I was not flying this thing as much as it was flying itself, fuck I don’t even know how to fly this thing! Can you give me a hand here I’m a bit stuck’ Me giggled at this. No matter how unstable she was in the TADRIS she could never quite match Clara’s ability to end up roughly twelve miles from the control panel in a random room god knows where.

Eventually, after roughly five minutes of struggling, a very disgruntled pair of time travellers emerged from under the control panel, vowing to install seats with seat belts at the nearest convenience.

‘So if the diner was flying itself why did it decide to crash land here?’ Me asked ‘And why the fuck is there a guy walking around it!?’

‘I think the doctor once said something about a rift in Car- Wait? What?’ Clara ran over to join Me and leant over her shoulder to look at the screen. Surely enough there was a very attractive man walking around the diner. A man in a period military coat. The day was getting weirder and weirder.

‘What should we do about him?’ Me questioned, ‘I’ve done enough research on the doctor and his TARDIS to know that people shouldn’t be able to see it unless they know it’s here, and really why the hell would anyone know to look for an American diner in the middle of Cardiff? What should we do Clara? Clara?’

Me turned her attention away from the man on the screen just in time to see her girlfriend walk out the door.

Sighing exasperatedly she vowed to have words with that girl about wandering off. Especially when it involved hot men.

~

‘I love the coat’ A voice startled Jack, causing him to turn around to see a small attractive girl step out of the diner. ‘But I can’t help but wonder exactly how you know we’re here. People shouldn’t be able to see us so either you’re an alien or you’re really really observant. So which one is it handsome?’

‘Captain Jack Harkness’ he said, saluting, a gesture which made Clara like him even more than she already did ‘Torchwood. And I can’t help but wonder just how exactly you have a TARDIS. Now unless you’re the Doctor and you’ve went for a hot girl instead of a hot guy and somehow changed the chameleon circuit from a police box to a diner then you have some explaining to do’

‘You know the Doctor?’ Clara asked, tilting her head to the side adorably ‘I think you should come inside and talk to us’

‘Us?’

‘Yes us’ came another voice from inside the diner.

Two hot girls. In a TARDIS. Jack’s day suddenly seemed a lot less lonely and boring.


	2. Time Travelling Trio

‘So let me get this straight, you died, got brought back to life and are now immortal, and you also died, and now exist as a sort of animated corpse,’ Jack asked, earning himself an eye roll from both girls, ‘What? It’s true isn’t it?’

‘I mean I guess it is. If you must oversimplify it.’ Clara replied, not exactly thrilled with her new status as animated corpse.

‘You know I once knew a guy that was like that. King of the Weevil’s he called himself. Man I hope death’s treating you better than it treated him.’ Jack trailed off, obviously lost in the past, both girls knew the look in his eyes well enough not to push for more information, ‘Anyway today is your lucky day because today is the day you found me. Now think for a second, what could cause more chaos than two immortals, stealing a TADRIS and traveling through time and space together?’ he paused for a second for dramatic effect as both girls looked at him confused by his sudden outburst, ‘That’s right! Three immortals, stealing a TARDIS and travelling through time and space together!’

Both girls looked from each other, to the man stood in front of them, back to each other before bursting out laughing.

‘The Doctor would kill us you know?’ Clara said clutching her sides, ‘Though it is his own fault really. He’s going to be so pissed when he finds out what we’re doing’

‘Wait so is that a yes then?’ Jack asked hopefully. Clara and Me stopped laughing long enough to nod at him, ‘Well what are we still doing here then?’ Jack grabbed the nearest level and flipped it causing the entire diner to shudder ‘ALLONSY!’ He yelled pressing random buttons and flipping switches as it took off, sending the three newly acquainted time travellers flying off in different directions.

‘Where we’re going there better be bloody seatbelts.’ Me yelled, as she fell to the floor for the second time that day.

As Jack grabbed hold of the first thing he could find to stop himself joining Me and Clara on the floor, which just so happened to be a random unmarked lever that he really hoped didn’t do anything too important, he smiled. He never though that he would back in a TARDIS hurtling across space and time with no idea of where he was headed with nothing but the promise of adventure. For the first time in years Jack was home again.

~

Thankfully by the time the diner had made its second crash landing of the day everyone had managed to stay near the control panel, which was a miracle considering the fact that no one on board had the slightest clue of how to fly it. Me made yet another mental note to install some seatbelts somewhere. Well that or line the floor, walls and ceiling with crash mats. The three immortals slowly got to their feet dusting themselves off and fixing themselves so that if anyone saw them come out of the diner they wouldn’t think they had just had a threesome.

Being the most sensible person in the newly formed time travelling trio, Me suggested looking at one of the many screens in the diner to get an idea of where and when they had just landed before blundering off out onto a random possibly dangerous alien planet. Unfortunately, by the time she had said this, Clara and Jack had already blundered off to explore where they had landed. Me sighed to herself wondering just why exactly she had agreed to let this random guy join her and Clara. Clara caused enough trouble as it is without adding an immortal in a world war two great coat into the mix. Even if he was a hot as hell immortal in a world war two great coat. ‘This must be what the doctor feels like’ she muttered to herself, ‘bloody brilliant people travelling with you that just never listen to you when you ask them not to wander off.’

With one last exasperated sigh at her crazy reckless girlfriend’s antics, Me turned away from the control panel to join Clara in Jack to figure out exactly when and where they had landed.

 

**AN: the only reason I started writing this was to help one of my friends who is writing a similar fic to this come up with some ideas but work is boring so I might end up writing more than I originally planned to but whatever. I'll put a link to hers when she uploads it so you can check it out. Anyway I'll stop wasting your time now. Hope you enjoy it.**


	3. Aesthetically Challenged Aliens

Me wasn't sure what to expect when she opened the door to the diner but whatever ideas she made have had, none of them came remotely close to what was going on. There were massive cube shaped buildings as far as the eye could see, jam packed together ridiculously close together so that the city looked more like a labyrinth than an actual city. To make matters worse there were a million and one different creatures rushing about in all directions, bumping into each other, pushing past one another, and Me swears she saw an Adipose get lifted over the crowd by a Zygon. It was complete and utter chaos. Me would literally need a miracle to find anyone in this madness. And the cherry on top of this entire situation was that it appeared to be raining a very suspicious yellow liquid, 'Why have a regular shower when you can have a golden shower?' Me thought whilst searching for where she had left her umbrella. There was a time and place for yellow rain and this was neither. And most worryingly of all was the fact that Clara and Jack were nowhere to be seen. On an unknown alien planet. God knows what they're going to get themselves into. Opening her umbrella to shield herself from the weird possible alien piss rain, Me stepped out the diner to go and find her friends.

  
The minute she stepped out of the diner she regretted it as she hadn't even taken three steps before she swept away by the masses of aliens running around. As it turns out an umbrella is relatively useless when you find yourself getting dragged along stuck to the side of an alien which looked like a terrifying hybrid of a jabberwocky and Iggy Azalea. So despite her best efforts to avoid it, Me ended up getting soaked with rain. And she really really hoped that it was just rain. 

  
After a minute or so of struggling she managed to get herself unstuck from the rather aesthetically challenged alien, and realised that she had lost her umbrella which was just fucking fantastic. She squeezed her way past alien lifeforms of all shapes and sizes, though none quite as ugly as the one she had just freed herself from, and huddled under a shop canopy to pull her jacket tighter around her and pull her now sopping wet hair off her face into a high ponytail. It was at this point that she realised that the diner was at one end of the city, she was god knows how far away from it and Jack and Clara were most likely at the other end of the city. God she just hoped they had managed not to get split up.  
Deciding that there was no way she could find them just by wandering around the city she pulled her phone and prayed that Clara had thought to pick hers up before blundering off with Jack. She dialled Clara's number and had to refrain from laughing out loud when she heard Fall Out Boy playing over the hustle and bustle of the street. Trust Clara to have set Me's ringtone as Immortals. Laughing at her girlfriend's frankly ridiculous antics, Me made her way through the crowd towards Patrick Stump's beautiful voice, trying not to worry about why Clara was letting her phone ring out.

 **Does this count as a cliffhanger? I don't think so. Anyway no one cares that I'm not**   **very**   **good at writing. My friend has now uploaded her fic an the link is here so you can go check it out :D http://archiveofourown.org/works/5389688/chapters/12449060**

 


	4. Pelvic Thrusting

Thankfully, the reason that Clara was not picking up phone was not due to her being in any form of danger or because she had lost it in the bustling streets, but because Jack Harkness had grabbed it off of her and appeared to be twerking along to the chorus of Immortals. That was an image that Me really did not want to see ever again. Evidentially the inhabitants of this planet were just as confused as Me was by Jack’s re-enactment of the Anaconda music video as they had all stopped dashing around and were stood staring transfixed at the scene before them. It was a relatively bizarre scene mind you, a six foot tall man in an enormous coat badly twerking along to a Fall Out Boy song whilst a girl who was at least a foot shorter than him was  trying, and failing, to retrieve her phone from him, while it was pouring with rain. Me could not help herself and burst out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the two so-called adults in front of her. She hung up on Clara in an attempt to put an end to Jack’s mildly scarring dance moves and smirked when she heard him over dramatically sigh and moan about how someone had interrupted his ‘brilliant dancing’.

‘Oi Miley Cyrus are you quite done?’ Me yelled over at him, earning even more confused stares from the aliens who had apparently not seen the clusterfuck that was the 2013 VMA’s ‘We don’t know where we are, hell we don’t know when we are, and you are trying to twerk? Really?’

‘Me there you are! We were wondering when you were gonna show up.’ Jack exclaimed ‘You see I figured that if I made a big enough scene you would eventually find us.’

‘No I’m almost entirely certain that that’s not at all what just happened there’ Said Clara, who had finally managed to get her phone back and was now changing Me’s ringtone to something that wouldn’t excite Jack so much.

As the three of them stood discussing what they wanted to do on this planet and the crowd around them started going back to whatever it was they were doing before Jack ever so rudely became a massive distraction, no one noticed the rather ominous group of aliens making their way towards the group. That is until the three of them were being handcuffed and dragged off, and not even in the fun sexy way either.

~

While they were being taken away in handcuffs, Clara managed to extract some information from their captors. She learned that the name of the planet was Andrangia Major, in the constellation of Saundradine, which was roughly seventeen and a half million miles away from Earth. She also found out that they had travelled forward in time to the year 14027. And that they were being arrested, which strangely enough she had already worked out, unfortunately the creature would not disclose the reason why they currently found themselves getting lifted.

~

‘Twerking!?’ Clara yelled throwing her arms up in despair, ‘We are being arrested for twerking!?’

‘Yes Miss Oswald. The high court of Andrangia Major recognises pelvic thrusting as an act most despicable and the perpetrators of such a heinous crime must be punished.’ said the judge, or at least Clara assumed it was the judge. It was difficult for her to tell the seven squidgy blob things in the court room apart much less rank them in order of importance, ‘Therefore I sentence you all to three lunar cycles in the dungeon.’

‘Wait you’re sentencing the three of us? No you can’t! It’s not like we formed the time travelling twerk team it was just this moron here decided he wanted to shake his junk about!’ Clara moaned gesturing wildly towards Jack who was the reason they were in this mess.

‘While that may be true, I cannot ignore the fact the three of you are clearly travelling together and neither of you made any move to stop this man from blatantly disregarding our laws.’

‘But we didn’t know that was a law your honour. How were we supposed to know that on this planet it’s against the law to shake it? It’s a nonsensical rule and-’ She was cut off by Me elbowing her in the ribs, trying to get her to shut up before they all got in even more trouble. Thankfully Clara got the hint and swiftly clamped her mouth shut.

‘We are truly sorry to have offended your culture and we shall be happy to comply with whatever punishment you deem fit for our behaviour’ said Me calmly bowing her head, a gesture which Jack and Clara both copied sensing that Me was probably the most sensible one and it would be wise to follow her lead.

‘Thank you Lady Me. This decision is final and you shall be led to the dungeon promptly’ the judge with a sense of finality that was not to be ignored before turning and leaving the court room with five of the six remaining blob aliens. The other one who stayed in the court made its way over to the group and told to follow it. The three of them walked in silence as the creature led them down a long narrow corridor that was dripping liquid from the ceiling and stunk of decay. Finally the alien stopped in front of a large door made out of what looked like reinforced steel, man this place didn’t fuck around when it came to keeping prisoners imprisoned. It pressed a slimy hand against the control panel beside the door and suddenly the sounds of gears moving and metal against metal could be heard as the door unlocked itself. The door slowly opened to reveal a large cave like room which had liquid dripping down the walls into huge pools on the floor. There were large ten foot posts in a line going across the floor and on each posts there were ropes to tie around the prisoners’ ankles and wrists and at the top there was an odd contraption that could only be described as a head shackle.

One by one the alien tied each of them to the posts ensuring the knots were tight enough that no one could escape and attaching the head shackle to them which was a long process as there were multiple straps and buckles so that by the time it was on everyone resembled something out of a really extreme bondage porno.

‘So how long are we stuck here for?’ Jack asked, or at least attempted to as the head shackle was limiting his ability to move his lower jaw.

‘Three lunar cycles, or in earth years, you will be here for ninety years’ it replied before turning away and locking the door to the dungeon behind it.

 

**AN: I have been informed that the link in the last chapter didn’t work so here it is again** [ **http://archiveofourown.org/works/5389688/chapters/12449060** ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5389688/chapters/12449060) **and in case it doesn’t work it is called Space and Time in an American Diner. Also this chapter is over a thousand words oh my god. Anyways hope you enjoyed and I’ll see you soon with the next update :)**


	5. Needing a Hand from The Doctor

‘Well this is just bloody fucking fantastic isn’t it?’ Clara thought dejectedly, how was she ever going to get out of this without the help of the Doctor and his screwdriver… or sunglasses… fuck at this point it may well be a sonic shuttlecock. Nonsense aside, Clara and her friends were definitely in a bit of a predicament. As no one could really talk due to the unbearable tightness of the strap under their chin so the entire room was silent except for the sound of three people trying desperately to untie themselves. After about five or so minutes of futile wriggling around in a pathetic attempt to free themselves both girls heard an ominously damp thud coming from where Jack was stood.

Both girls were very concerned as to what they would see once they turned to face Jack, mental images of various bodily fluids and/or odd injuries that had befallen the strange man flashing through their minds. Though when they looked at him he appeared to be fine and had somehow managed to untie his wrists and was working on removing the horror movie bondage style head piece. It wasn’t until they looked down and saw a pale dismembered hand on the floor beside Jack’s foot did they realise that something was very wrong with that man and they would have to find everything about him. After a few seconds he had managed to free himself from the head shackle and awkwardly squatted down and began to untie his feet. He lifted up the very weird hand from the floor and put it back in a jar filled with water that he had just pulled from his jacket pocket before replacing it within his giant coat.

‘I can explain this I swear’ he said, holding up both of his hands before reaching out to untie Clara and Me.

‘Honestly I don’t even want to know’ Me told him as soon as her head was free.

Once all three of them were successfully untied and free from their posts both girls turned to Jack looking questioningly at his pocket where he was concealing a random body part.

‘So I used to know the Doctor’ He started,

‘Yes we know that’ both girls interrupted

‘Please just let me finish it’s a weird story but I promise it’s not weird weird,’ the girls nodded allowing him to tell his story, ‘a while ago the Doctor was fighting the Sycorax because they were controlling loads of people and whatever but long story short he got his hand cut off and I found it and kept it as a Doctor detector if you will’

‘That doesn’t really explain why you have it in your pocket though’ Clara said, rather disgusted at the thought of carrying around severed Doctor body parts with her.

‘Well he had it in had TARDIS and I had to steal it back didn’t I? I mean you never know when you could use a hand from the Doctor’ Jack laughed at his own terrible pun as both girls wrinkled their noses at the thought of what that poor hand had been used for.

‘Okay so Jack’s weird sex toys and awful puns aside, we still have a prison to escape from so any geniuses have any bright ideas as to how to do it?’ Clara asked looking back and both between Me and Jack hopefully.

When neither of them responded Clara sighed, ‘Honestly you’ve both lived through millenniums and you have no escape plan that could help us out here? Wait leave it to me I’ll get us out of this mess don’t you worry.’

 

**AN: I haven’t proofread this so sorry if there’s loads of mistakes I suck at writing well. Though two uploads in one day? Don’t say I don’t spoil you. As usual I hope you enjoyed it and I’d love to hear from you if you did.**


	6. Knee Deep in Raw Sewage

The three of them looked around the room they were in searching for any way they could escape. Jack was trying to figure out whether or not they could blow a hole through the door to escape and ignoring the part of brain telling him that a great big hole in the door would maybe raise suspicions. Clara was thoroughly searching the walls, floor and ceiling for any windows or trap doors that may be helpfully located to aid their breakout. And Me had given up on looking for anything and was trying to calculate just how long it would take them to dig their way to freedom with a spoon.

After a while of scanning the floor Clara spotted a small drain in the corner of the room. She pointed it out to the others and the three of them made their way over to it. Judging by the god awful stench emanating from the drain, they figured that it led to the sewers.

‘Right so who’s up for a wee swim?’ Said Clara enthusiastically, trying to make it seem like they were about to do something fun and not escape from prison via the sewage system.

‘Yes this is brilliant and all, but there is the minor setback of the fact that the drain seems relatively set in the ground’ Me sighed, annoyed that the day’s events were just getting more and more hopeless.

‘Wait I’ve got this’ Jack said excitedly, eyes lighting up rather menacingly as he pulled out a weird gun shaped item and aimed it at the drain ‘See, Captain Jack Harkness always solves the problem.’

‘And does he always cause the problem?’ Clara asked rolling her eyes at him.

Electing to ignore Clara’s entirely correct assumption, Jack aimed his blaster at the drain and blew a hole in it. They stood around the hole for a moment, no one wanting to be the first person to jump down into the sewer, looking at each other as if to say that someone else should jump first. Their moment of silence was suddenly very rudely interrupted by a wailing siren and a voice announcing that prisoners were trying to escape from the dungeon. God this place really had a flare for the dramatics. Deciding that there was no time to waste, all three of them jumped down into the sewers at the same time, landing in knee deep raw sewage. Jack aimed his gun back up at the hole he just created in the floor and suddenly the hole was seamlessly fixed.

‘What the hell is that thing and where can I get one?’ Me asked in awe of the amazing piece of technology in front of her.

‘It’s a sonic blaster and if you’re looking for one you should probably take a trip to the 51st century.’ Jack said smugly, very proud of the fact that he had finally done something that impressed Me.

‘Oh hey the Doctor has one of those,’ Clara said. ‘I’m sure I saw it in the TARDIS once.’

‘Yeah that was mine and he totally stole it from me. Thank fuck I had an emergency back up one.’

‘Guys as much as I would love to sit and discuss awesome technology with you, we are kind preoccupied right now’ said Me, reminding them that they were in fact in a sewer attempting to pull a Freddie Mercury and break free.

From above them they could hear aliens in the dungeon trying to figure out how they had possibly escaped and where they could have went. Carefully, the three of them crept along the sewer trying not to make any noise or trip over god knows what that was floating around in the murky water. They kept on walking until they could no longer hear the frantic shouting of aliens trying to locate the fugitives. By this point in time Clara reckoned that she had performed more impossible feats of escapology than Harry Houdini himself, with less dramatics and more running and hoping.

‘You know if we ever decide that time travelling isn’t for us we should really look into becoming escapologists’ she joked while giggling to herself.

Me and Jack both laugh quietly at the idea of it whilst shushing Clara just in case anyone heard them and decided to re-imprison them. After what seemed to be about an hour of trudging through the rank smelling brown watery sludge, they finally came across a set of ladders which led to what they could only hope was a man hole in the city somewhere. Being the shortest and most nimble of the three, Me climbed up the ladder and peered through the hole in the man hole cover to attempt to find out where they were. She couldn’t see anything apart from a couple of buildings and one or two aliens walking past so she guessed that they must have found a quieter part of the street they had originally landed on so she carefully pushed up the cover to the man hole and climbed out onto the mainly empty street, gesturing for Jack and Clara to follow her. After a while of Jack complaining that his coat now weighed roughly a metric tonne and that it made climbing out of a man hole almost impossible, the three of them emerged, admittedly very ungracefully, onto the street. They quickly made their way to the side of the nearest building in an attempt to attract as little attention as possible. They starting discussing which way was the best way to go to find the diner.

As they were arguing over whether they should walk back towards the busier part of the city and try to find it from there or to walk around the emptier streets until they found it they suddenly heard the sound of running and screaming that ‘the prisoners are over there!’

‘Oh shit.’ They all said in unison, before turning away from their pursuers and Usain Bolt-ing it away from them.

They ran through the streets like crazy until empty streets turned into the hustle and bustle of the city centre and their sprinting turned into frantic pushing and shoving and squeezing past. Thankfully, the massive crowd also slowed down the blob fish with legs that were chasing after them. Jack spotted the diner down a side street before either of the girls and he violently grabbed both of them before dragging them towards it praying that one of them had their key on them. Pushing the other two aside, key in hand, Me stood in front of the door and fumbled trying to quickly unlock the door. Just as the aliens reached the end of the side street the door to the diner flew open and all three of them ran inside before slamming the door on their chasers.

As much as all they wanted to do was to collapse onto the floor and catch their breath, they knew they had to take off before the diner was commandeered by the high court of whatever the fuck the planet was called. They rushed over to the control panel, Me and Clara pressing buttons and Jack flipping a massive switch, yelling ALLONSY!

As the diner took off, both girls turned to look at him questioningly, ‘Why do you always say that?’ they asked simultaneously.

‘The Doctor used to say it all the time. What he doesn’t say it anymore?’ he replied.

‘No. He used to say Geronimo a lot,’ Clara said laughing at the thought of the Doctor, ‘He just swears a lot and hits things these days. Now if you don’t mind, I stink of alien crap and I would quite like to get myself cleaned up’

The other two agreed whole heartedly.

As the three of them stumbled their way around the diner trying to find either a washing machine, a shower or a somewhat decent hose, Me and Clara imposed a new rule: Under no circumstances is Captain Jack Harkness allowed to twerk on unknown alien planets.

 

**AN: Sorry I didn’t update yesterday. My friend came up for Avengers and chill and we may have gotten carried away talking about the utter beauty that is Tom Hiddleston and his snake hips. Anyways this took me so long to write it as I kind of suck at writing dramatic scenes. I had [Insert epic getaway scene here] on the page for about an hour so I hope that it doesn’t suck and you like it :D**


	7. A Plethora of Assorted Chair

The three of them decided that almost getting arrested on an alien planet for Jack shaking his shimmy and then having to break free from a dungeon through a sewer was just about enough excitement for one day. They put the diner on cruise control as they were flying through the constellation of Allmoundaris and opened the door to admire the sheer beauty of the universe. It was breath taking to think that while regular people would never be able to see the majesty of space up close like this, the three of them were lucky enough to be able to. All because they had met a madman in a blue box and they ran with him. Clara contentedly sighed to herself wondering about what mischief her clever boy was getting himself into, and hoping that he had found someone else to travel with him. Me and Jack both turned to her with a curious look on their faces obviously wondering what she was reminiscing about.

‘Just thinking about the Doctor you know’ Clara said looking wistfully out at the stars, ‘I wonder what he could be up to. I mean we just got arrested and broke out of jail so god knows what chaos he’s causing right now.’

‘I’m sure he’s off doing something potentially life threatening and frankly ridiculous with someone who has fallen in love with him by now’ Jack said giving Clara a knowing look, ‘that or he’s crashed the TARDIS somewhere and pissed off a monarch.’

The three of them stood there for hours exchanging stories about the Doctor, laughing at all the havoc he managed to cause while somehow saving the day, not that that was just down to him as Me so rightfully added, elbowing Clara. Eventually they decided that they had seen enough of the universe for one day and they all retreated back into the diner to look for somewhere to sit. Considering the diner had crashed landed in Wales before Me and Clara could do any proper exploring, no one had any idea whatsoever where they were going to find a suitable seat that didn’t involve them sitting on the floor.

‘Alright gang. Split up and look for chairs’ Jack said over enthusiastically whilst pointing dramatically towards a door frame.

‘You know you could have said stools and then it would have rhymed’ Clara said, disappointed at the ruined Scooby Doo quote.

‘How on earth does “stools” and “clues” even remotely rhyme?’ Jack asked throwing his arms up in confusion.

‘It rhymes significantly more than “chairs” does. Jeez if you’re going to quote something at least do it properly’

Me rolled her eyes at the two of them squabbling like children and decided that when she found seats she was going to have the comfiest one and they could be left with whatever. After going through a few rooms; one which contained a banquet table laden with all sorts of food; one which had a massive swimming pool complete with a diving board; one which was a colossal walk in wardrobe with clothes in all styles, shapes and colours; and lastly one that was empty except for a pile of blankets and pillows which Me mentally dubbed as the blanket fort room; she finally found what she was looking for. Admittedly, she wasn’t entirely sure why there was a room containing a plethora of assorted chairs and also what appeared to be a marble statue of the crocodile from Lake Placid. Though, they were currently flying around space in a time machine which looked like an American diner so really, in perspective, it wasn’t that odd. Me scanned the massive collection of chairs looking for one that she wanted for a minute before she spotted a gigantic bright red bean bag and decided that Jack and Clara would literally have to fight her to get it. She cautiously made her way through the jumble of chairs and grabbed the, extremely heavy, bean bag off the floor before heading back to the control panel to see if those two had stopped acting like a pair of toddlers.

Much to Me’s surprise neither of them were where she had left them, nor could she hear bickering. Sighing contentedly she placed her bean bag on the floor and flopped ungracefully onto it, becoming engulfed within the obnoxiously bright, over-sized fabric. Hopefully she could have a bit of peace and quiet before the dunderheads came in and ruined it. Sadly Me’s me time was soon interrupted by the sound of footsteps which seemed to be running towards her at an alarming pace. She had only just opened her eyes when she was assaulted by none other than Clara Oswald who had just launched herself at Me.

‘You know a simple hello would have sufficed’ Me said laughing slightly at the sometimes ridiculous behaviour of her girlfriend.

‘Yes but that would be no fun now would it?’ Clara said trying to manoeuvre herself so that she could join Me in her bean bag cocoon.

After a fair while of wriggling about, which wasn’t helped by the fact that they spent more time kissing each other than actually attempting to move, they both managed to fit themselves into the bean bag and curled up together.

‘So where did you manage to find this?’ Clara asked.

‘There is a room over there ish and it is filled with a load of random chairs and an unnecessarily large crocodile statue.’ Me replied gesturing off in the general direction she had walked in.

‘Like massive crocodile big of Lake Placid crocodile big’

‘You know that is exactly what I thought of when I saw it’

‘Well you know what they say. Great minds think alike!’ Clara said enthusiastically causing them both to burst out laughing.

Both girls stayed like that for a while, cuddled up to each other in the bean bag, talking about everything and anything. Unfortunately their alone time was cut short by an over excited Jack Harkness running towards them screeching that he just found a stripper pole in a room somewhere. At the mere thought of what he was going to get up to, both girls grabbed their bean bag and ran off into the room filled with blankets and pillows.

And that is how Jack managed to pull a muscle in his leg from pole dancing and Me and Clara made out in a blanket fort.

 

**AN: FINALLY AN UPDATE OMG!! This is sort of a filler chapter because I have a couple of ideas for what i want to happen but I'm not too sure how to go about writing them anyways i hope you enjoyed it :D (PS River in the Christmas special literally gave me life)**


	8. Clara's Unfortunate Blood on the Dance Floor Obsession

So admittedly getting drunk in a sleazy bar on a planet they didn’t know the name of might not have been the brightest idea any of them have ever had. However, it was quite possibly the best worst idea they had ever heard, and as Jack put it, you only live once so you may as well make the most of it. Me and Clara had elected not to point out the fact that that saying didn’t really apply to any of them.

At this point in time, Clara found herself dancing on the bar to Looking Hot Dangerous, Me was in the middle of the dancefloor and was doing an extremely drunk rendition of the Macarena with an Ood, a Vinvocci, and three short pink vaguely triangular things, and Jack was probably going down on an alien lifeform in the grotty club toilets. So no surprises there then.

After about six more terrible songs had played and Clara had had a further thirteen shots she decided that dancing on the bar was getting boring and very gracefully fell of the bar before totally cunting it onto the sticky floor. As she was more than a bit too intoxicated to get herself she just lay there giggling at her drunken state awaiting someone to come help her up. After lying there for a minute someone came over to help her up off the floor.

‘You okay there?’ asked the very attractive random stranger who was now holding her upright, ‘I can’t imagine that this place is really the best place to lying down in.’

‘The lights look really pretty from down there, here I’ll show you’ Clara slurred slightly before dragging the guy towards the floor with her.

They both landed on the floor with a thud, Clara on the bottom and the stranger awkwardly on top of her.

‘I mean I have heard of falling for people but this is just ridiculous’ he laughed, pushing his spectacularly emo fringe out of his eyes and rolling off of the short drunk girl beneath him.

Unfortunately she was far too interested in the flashing lights to notice his absolutely killer pick up line.

‘Okay I’ve seen the pretty lights can we maybe get off the floor now?’ he asked, slightly annoyed that he was getting his black skinny jeans gross and sticky.

‘Now I’m lying on the cOLD HARD GROUND!’ yelled Clara drunkenly, gaining the attention of everyone in the vicinity who seemed completely unsurprised by the pair of humans lying down screaming Taylor Swift songs.

Her out of tune screeching had also got the attention of Me, who was in the process of leading a conga line around the perimeter of the dancefloor.

Me decided to make her way over to her girlfriend and the Pete Wentz wannabe she was lying next to, sadly the conga line followed her and they ended up at the bottom of a forty two person/alien/whatever pile up.

-

At the other side of the bar Jack was pressed up against the door of a toilet cubicle making out with a bright red humanoid with tentacles instead of arms, something which Jack found oddly erotic, who was attempting to undress him, which is a very difficult feat for someone with tentacles for arms.

After a minute of struggling, it managed to successfully remove Jack’s coat and let it fall unceremoniously to the floor. After another few minutes Jack was fully naked and breathing heavily. The alien sank to its knees and Jack received his third blow job of the night so far.

-

After everyone had gotten up Me helped Clara and the guy who she had mentally dubbed ‘the hot emo’ to their feet before leading them over to a booth so she didn’t have to be used as her girlfriends leaning post.

‘So what’s your name’ she asked the guy, ‘or am I going to have to keep referring to you as the hot emo?’

‘Uh my names Frank,’ he said blushing slightly, ‘Frank Ross.’

‘So Frank Ross why are you talking to my girlfriend?’ Me asked nodding towards Clara who was now flailing her arms around singing that same awful song she was dancing to earlier.

‘Wait, shit, she’s not single? I’m so sorry I didn’t realise’ he nervously stuttered.

‘Well we do have a very open relationship, Me leaned closer to Frank, biting her lip, ‘if you want to join us?’

At that point Frank’s jaw pretty much hit the floor.

‘So what do you say we get out of here?’ she said standing up and grabbing Clara’s hand leading them to the door.

‘JET BLACK DIAMOND HAIR PEOPLE STARE I DON’T CARE’ Clara continued singing as they walked towards the door.

‘Clara if you don’t shut up with that god awful song I might have to leave yo- WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET A SOMBRERO FROM!?’

‘Um she stole it from that over there,’ said Frank pointing towards a bright purple fish looking creature, ‘she also stole this bottle of booze. Really fucking strong booze judging by the smell of this shit.’

At that point Me wasn’t sure whether to thank her girlfriend for being such a drunk mess or hit her for it.

 

**AN: please don’t judge me for putting a Blood on the Dance Floor song in this it has been stuck in my head since Christmas and if I’m suffering then you can all suffer with me. Apologies for how unbelievably awkward my sort of smut was it is actually making me cringe reading it. Also apologies for the weird mix of every member of the emo trinity bc I am trash. There will be a bit of a continuation to this chapter before I get into actual plot again but hopefully I’ll upload soon. Hope you enjoyed this :)**


	9. The Author Drowns in Their Gay Tears

When Jack finally managed to blunder his way back into the diner he most definitely was not expecting to see a man who looked like he should be at a pop punk basement gig in 2005, half naked and tied to a chair with a big gay scarf. He then realised that he was stumbling around in some spiked, bright red, six inch hooker heels wearing nothing but his neon pink leopard print boxers and his coat. He was also carrying what he hoped was all of his clothes in one hand and was swinging a bejewelled cane around in the other. So really he had a cheek to question the weirdness.

Once he had tumbled through the door and attempted to close it he decided that he was wearing too many items of clothing. Upon making this decision he threw his armful of clothes on the ground before shrugging his coat off and flinging that to the side along with his newly acquired pimp cane. Once he was happy that he was almost naked enough he began hobbling around the diner in search of his friends.

However, due to the height of his heels coupled with the amount of alcohol that was in his system, Jack ended up toppling headfirst down a set of stairs and landed in a heap of bare skin and swearing.

-

…30 minutes earlier...

After Frank had rolled over and fallen asleep, Clara had had the genius idea of tying him to a chair with his ridiculously large scarf.

'Don't you think it would be such a nice surprise for Jack when he gets back?' she said as if her reasoning made tying an unconscious man up any less weird. Me, being slightly more sober than her girlfriend, decided not to respond and instead just rolled her eyes. 'And anyway look at his scarf. It's fucking massive. You could use that for all sorts of kinky stuff so you could.'

'Okay scarf related bondage fantasies aside are you tying him to a chair or not?'

'Yes I am tying him to a chair!' Clara announced, struggling to lift Frank

'I am not drunk enough for this' Me sighed before going off to find a chair. And that alcohol that Clara had stolen earlier. Me returned with a chair and the now half empty bottle to find Clara now dragging Frank up the steps to the control panel by the arms. Wow that boy was a heavy sleeper.

It only took a little bit of struggling but eventually they were able to get him on the chair and started tying the scarf-come-bondage gear around him. Clara stepped back to admire their handiwork and nodded, seemingly pleased with the position of the partially clothed man and the kinky scarf.

Before Me had a chance to comment on anything however, Clara had started wandering away mumbling something about wanting to dance. Me groaned before swallowing a mouthful of the weird alien booze and following Clara in an attempt to ensure that she didn’t dance her way out of a window.

About twenty minutes later both of them were in a very heated dance off. As Good girls Go Bad played behind them they were breaking out all their best moves in an attempt to out dance the other one. Considering they were both rather inebriated, however, their best dance moves looked more like they were being demonically possessed rather than dancing.

Their dance/ possession-off was cut short when they heard a colossal thud and a random jumble of swear words. ‘Ooh Jack’s back! I wonder if he liked his surprise’ Clara said before running towards the crash with Me right behind her.

 

After running into ninety percent of the doorframes in the diner and into the control panel, they managed to locate the very unamused Captain Jack Harkness on his back with his legs flailed out above him. After they spent about ten minutes laughing at the position he was in they finally went over to help him up.

‘Nice shoes’ Me said once she had caught her breath, ‘but why are you wearing striper heels?’

‘I lost a bet to a guy in a chiffon skirt.’ Jack replied nodding his head.

‘And why were you making bets with strangers?’

‘Don’t know,’ he said shrugging, ‘but I make these high heels work.’

The girls decided against questioning him further because he seemed very confident that there was nothing odd about what he was currently wearing. They helped him hobble his way back up the stairs to the control panel, where they all decided that standing required more effort than they could deal with and ended up all sitting on the floor, or in Clara’s case sat on top of Me.

‘Guys I have an idea,’ Clara said over excitedly, ‘We should play truth or dare!’

-

They had only been playing truth or dare for about half an hour and already Clara had told them the really embarrassing story of her first kiss which involved strawberry laces and that scene from The Lady and the Tramp, changed her facebook profile picture to “My World” era Justin Bieber, and admitted to being ticklish as hell prompting a ten minute tickle war. Me had pierced her own lip, admitted that she had gone through a gold digging stage (dead husband and all) and uploaded a video to youtube of her signing “Shake Tramp” by Marianas Trench. And Jack had attempted strip tease whilst standing on the control panel, re-enacted Ukraine’s 2007 Eurovision Song Contest entry, and eaten a spoonful of coffee granules.

‘Jack you haven’t done any truths yet,’ Clara whined, annoyed that she was still getting teased for her awful first kiss story and he hadn’t owned up to anything embarrassing.

‘Ugh fine,’ he grumbled, ‘but when you’re disgusted and shocked by what I tell you then it’s your own damn fault.’

 ‘Okay so Jack, who was the first person you fell in love with and why?’ Me asked.

‘Fuck man. Out of everything you could have asked me. The only person I have ever truly fallen in love with was Ianto Jones. He was a member of Torchwood with me back when that was still a thing. At first he was just really a coffee boy who looked damn good in a suit but he started becoming more and more involved with the team and eventually I realised that I liked him. Like I fucking liked him a whole fucking lot. And it was weird at first because I was never really the romantic type and he had never really been with a guy before but we made it work. I honestly loved him more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life and I have had a pretty long life. He made me feel things I had never felt before, and things I haven’t felt since,’ Jack had sobered up by this point and was trying hard not to start crying, ‘He died so he did. He was so bloody brilliant he was, but he wasn’t bloody invincible. Bloody daft Welshman wasn’t immortal but I was and now I’m stuck here without him. There were these aliens, the 456 they were called, and they wanted to take children. But we managed to stop them but Ianto just had to come into the room with me and it was filled with poisonous gas and he went and fucking died,’ Jack had now given up on trying not to cry and had tears freely rolling down his cheeks, ‘I told him that I’d always remember him and I have. Like I could ever forget him though. No one could ever forget Ianto Jones.’ He finished talking and broke down, pained sobs wracking through his body.

Clara shuffled over to him and wrapped her arms around him and started to stroke his arm in a futile attempt to make him feel better. Me felt so awful that she had asked him about this and instantly tried to think of any way to make this any better.

Suddenly she had an idea which would either work fantastically or epically fail. It was worth a shot though.

‘You know,’ she spoke up, getting Jack’s attention, ‘we do have a time machine.’

 

**AN: okay finally getting to my main plot idea go me. I totally did not cry writing this nope what you talking about? Again apologising for being such emo trash but whatever. Hope you enjoyed it and I hope you are all as far up Ianto Jones’s ass as I am and are excited about Janto. JANTO IS LOVE JANTO IS LIFE. Okay I’m done now. Goodbye friends. Hope you enjoyed this if so please like and comment and stuff :D**


	10. In Which Our Heroes Attempt A Drunken Rescue Mission

**AN: I suck pretty bad at typing and I’m the world’s worst proof-reader, because of this I have misspelled ‘immortal’ as ‘immoral’ a million times. So if you see me describe someone as immoral then that’s totally not what I meant and I just cannot write. Apologies for my frequent typos and shit I’m sorry.**

**Also this chapter jumps about a fuck tonne to save me writing screeds and screeds of stuff that isn’t actually plot so sorry about that but it’ll only be this chapter that that happens in.**

**Anyways on with the story.**

Me started questioning Jack about Ianto’s death while they tried to make a plan to rescue him. While they were doing this, Clara, who was beyond any doubt the drunkest of the three, kept interrupting with various ridiculous suggestions, ranging from ‘LETS LOOK IN THE MINISRY OF MAGIC’ to ‘Maybe he went to T in the Park. You know The Doctor ended up there at one point. He was looking for some alien.’

‘Right so. Um. Eh,’ Me said scrunching up her face trying to get her drunken brain to work for her, ‘Wait, like, if we go back to the day of his death then we can like totally talk to him. You know like we explain to him what’s happening and then give him this,’ Me explained, gesturing to an immortality charge which was sitting on the control panel, ‘and then that will do some super awesome magical stuff and that will stop him from dying!’

‘Wait what the fuck is that and how will it work?’ Jack asked sceptically.

‘It’s a mire repair kit, or an immortality charge. It’s the reason that I didn’t die when I should have, and why I can’t die. I haven’t the faintst idea of how the fuck it works but they are in the helmets of the Mire and they heal them when they get injured or whatever,’ Me attempted to explain, which would have probably been a much easier feat had she been completely sober, ‘The Doctor used one on me to bring me back to life and he gave me one to use on someone I couldn’t live without. What he doesn’t know however is that I may have stolen a couple more of them. I can’t remember the exact reason I had to use the first one, I used the second one on Clara to make her properly alive again, and I have one left. So today is your lucky day.’

Jack’s eyes filled with tears for the second time that evening, ‘Me you have no idea how much this means to me. Oh god I love you.’ He said before throwing his arms around her and kissing her forehead.

‘I know what it’s like to find someone you can’t live without,’ she said quietly, ‘I’d hate to lose her. And you feel the same way about Ianto so lets go get him back for you’

‘Um speaking of Clara, where is she?’ Jack asked looking around for the drunk girl.

Ten minutes later they had managed to locate her, with an armful of odd parts, claiming that she was going to make a ‘Ianto detector’. They led her back to the control panel and told her to sit on the floor and make her machine and not move.

‘Okay now that we have everyone lets go get him.’ Me said as she began hitting buttons on the control panel ‘I’m getting a bit better at flying this thing.’

‘I don’t care if we fall out of the sky, as long as we save Ianto I’m happy.’ Jack responded.

-

It had been a very stressful, very strange few days for Ianto Jones, and that is really saying something when you work for Torchwood. He had become a fugitive from the law, nicked a forklift and used that to drop a massive fuck off cement block containing his naked boyfriend into a quarry, and he was now genuinely considering attempting to negotiate with aliens who wanted to abduct weans so they could use them to get mad wae it. Suddenly, the eccy brigade seemed like lovely law abiding citizens.

Just when he thought it was impossible for his week to get any weirder, he was pulled into a broom closet by Jack Harkness.

‘Didn’t you literally just walk off?’ Ianto asked, very confused, ‘And have you got taller in the last five minutes!?’

‘No he’s still wearing his heels,’ said a short attractive girl who was standing in the corner of the very squashed cupboard, ‘he’s also only wearing that jacket and his underwear. And we’re both a bit drunk so please bear with us.’

Ianto had no words to express his confusion and instead, opted to raise a single eyebrow and purse his lips.

‘Long story, I can explain it later if you want. But basically I’m not Jack, well I am Jack, but not Jack that just walked off. I’m from the future!’ Jack slurred slightly, trying to explain before Me but in.

‘My name is Me and we are from the future like how crazy is that!? Oh um we’re here because if you go follow Jack and see that alien thingy then you’re gonna die and that probably won’t be too great.’ She said, far more bluntly than she would have had she been sober. Noting the look of shock and sadness that flashed across Ianto’s face she hastily added, ‘but don’t worry we know how to fix it.’

‘We have this weird alien tech and it brought her and another girl we know back from the dead and we are pretty sure that it’ll work on you.’ Jack blurted out.

‘But because your death is a fixed point in time or whatever the doctor babbles on about we still need you to ‘die’’ Me added, making finger quotations at the word die, ‘If other Jack and Gwen believe that you are dead then the events of our past will not be altered however we can then pick you up and you obviously won’t be dead. Savvy?’

‘Okay. That was a lot to take in at once. But okay. How does the tech work?’

‘It’s this little thingymabob here,’ Me explained pulling the mire repair kit out of her pocket, ‘and if I place it on your forehead then your head sort of sucks it in and then it like magics you better when you get hurt. Even if you die isn’t that just so cool. But you’ll obviously have to be fake dead so other Jack and Gwen think you are.’

‘Alright. Go ahead.’ He said, praying that this would work.

-

Pretending to die in his lovers arms was the hardest thing that Ianto had ever done, closely followed by having to lie there and pretend to be dead in front of Gwen and Jack. As he was lying there he wondered just why exactly he was agreeing to go off with two drunks and not just telling his Jack that he had survived and going away with him. But an annoying part of his brain somehow trusted the drunk girl and the drunk future Jack, I mean they stopped him dying so they must have known what they were talking about. After he heard Gwen and Jack leave Ianto sat up and got out from under the sheet that was covering his ‘dead’ body and looked around the room for the other Jack and the girl he was with. After a couple of minutes of him wondering if this was some elaborate, morbid prank, they stumbled through the door.

‘Sorry we took a whi-woops,’ Jack began before falling onto his arse and laughing, ‘we couldn’t let me bump into me. That would have been very not good’

‘Yeah because he would have totally wanted to shag himself.’ Me laughed.

‘So where are we going to go now?’ Ianto asked looking between his so called saviours

‘We go to the tardis silly,’ Jack said as if it was completely obvious, ‘We actually have our own tardis isn’t that just wicked cool!?’

‘Um yes. It is wicked cool,’ said Ianto dryly, whilst picking up his trainwreck of a boyfriend off the floor, ‘So can we maybe go there now?’

After taking three wrong turns and going to the end of a corridor before realising they were going the wrong way and having to U turn back the way, they finally managed to locate the diner.

Upon stepping into the diner Ianto was greeted by yet another short drunk girl, however this one was hyperactively jumping about the tardis with a huge contraption that look like some kitchen utensils and wires duct taped to a large chunk of metal.

‘My Ianto detector worked everyone look I found him,’ she yelled before trying to walk towards him, tripping over her foot and falling down the stairs. Clearly the stairs in the diner have some sort of vendetta against drunkards. Me, Jack and Ianto rushed over to see if she was okay only to find that she was completely fine and was in fits of hysterical laugher because of her clumsiness.

At this point Jack decided that he was too tired for this nonsense, pulled his coat off and went to sleep on the floor.

Both girls decided that this was a great course of action and piled themselves on top of the now unconscious Captain Jack Harkness, before Clara pulled his coat over herself and they too fell asleep.

Leaving poor Ianto on his own, extremely baffled by the recent turn of events, to find a bed or suitably comfortable couch to sleep on.

 

**AN: WOO FINALLY AN UPDATE! Man I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to upload this I have had no time to write because I’ve been at an interview for university and two doctors appointments and three concerts and I made the responsible and mature decision to sit on the ground round the back of The Garage until one am in the freezing Scottish weather so I could meet band members… Why am I allowed to make my own decisions again? No one cares. Anyways I’ve actually had chapter eleven written for almost a fortnight now but I couldn’t upload it because writing this chapter was so hard. As usual I hope you liked this so please like and comment and all that jazz.**


	11. Chris Motionless Is Daddy As Fuck

Outside, on the beautiful -if slightly sleazy- planet, the suns were shining, the cows were singing, there was a refreshing breeze that smelt only slightly of beer. It was, by all accounts, a lovely day.

I’m sure our heroes would disagree, as they woke to find themselves at the bottom of a flight of stairs in the Diner, in what can only be described as a heap.

Jack lay at the bottom, one startlingly red hooker heel still in place, while the other was God knows where. Me came next, her leg curled under Jack, her body draped across the top, and inexplicably, her thumb in his mouth. On top of the pile was Clara, curled up right on top of both of them, snoring slightly wearing a feather boa and using Jack’s coat as a warm, albeit slightly scratchy blanket.

And of course, as they drifted out of the bliss that is sleep, remembering an eventful night of cutting about the universe looking for the long lost Ianto, the death grip of a hangover clutched them by the temples and the stomach and left their mouths feeling about as dry as a Sontaran’s ballsack, and taste about the same too (Jack attested to that one).  As they lay in the pile they had yet to open their eyes. Photosensitivity is a huge factor of a hangover you know.

What finally caused them to shoot their eyes open, before wincing and blinking profusely, was a small cough. A clearing of the throat, you might say, followed by a slightly indignant ‘you know I’m still on board can one of you please wake up?’

However this was not emo Frank, as they had sort of dropped him out of the diner while they were landed on a planet they don’t remember visiting. Hopefully whatever life forms live there don’t mind semi-nude men tied to chairs in the middle of the street.

Oh no. The cough belonged to none other than the hot Welsh coffee boy.

“yumpo?” Jack said blearily, Me’s thumb still in his mouth. “IANTO!” He spat the thumb out, threw the girls off him and leapt to his feet. Or at least tried to. He got precisely two steps before he stumbled, banged into the bannister and promptly vomited over the side.

Pre-vomiting, Ianto had wanted nothing more than to run into his lover’s arms and start kissing him passionately like something out of a silver screen romance. He’d had it all planned out. With further evaluation he decided that the kissing could wait until.

The girls just groaned, curling up and going back to sleep. Endearing reunions could wait three days or so. They were not going to repeat Jack’s mistake.

-

Over the course of the day, their hangovers subsided thanks to copious quantities of Ianto’s coffee, which Me and Clara had agreed was literally the nectar of the gods, and they were able to have an actual conversation without wanting to hydro pump various alcohols and stomach acid onto the closest available surface. Once they got to this point, the girls started asking Ianto about himself. They asked him everything from why he was dating the immortal buffoon that was Jack Harkness to where he learned how to make such good coffee. Ianto happily answered every question they hit him with.

Some things weren't surprising, such as how Ianto got a job at Torchwood after catching a Pterodactyl with Jack, and some things shocked both Me and Clara, like the fact that his favourite band was Motionless In White.

As soon as Ianto mentioned them, Jack let out a massive sigh, 'You fancy that guy in that band more than you fancy me,' he huffed, 'and I'm your boyfriend.'

'Sweetheart I don't fancy anyone more than you don’t worry. And anyway Devin Sola is one of the most attractive people on planet earth and lets be serious everyone would shag him regardless of gender or sexual orientation don’t even try to deny it.'

'Nah I prefer the singer,’ he paused for a moment scrunching up his face in frustration, ‘whatshisface'

'Would you perhaps be referring to Chris Motionless?'

'Yeah him!' Jack yelled excitedly, 'Chris Motionless is daddy as fuck!'  
Out of the corner of his eye Ianto noticed Me whisper something to Clara and both of them start laughing to themselves.  
'Care to share with the group?' He asked raising his eyebrow.  
'Oh nothing really just saying that this has been a real eye opener into the power dynamic of your relationship.' Me replied sounding smug.  
'And how exactly has it been eye opening?'  
'Well you know, Jack is in love, or lust, with the pure dom and you’d love to get the submissive one.' Me said very matter of factly.  
'You're just jealous that he isn't topping you' Jack said petulantly, sticking his tongue out at the girls, ‘speaking of which, who out of you two tops? One of you is in the same boat as me and needs to stop with the judgey judgey’

In response Clara pulled a coin out of her pocket and flipped it. ‘Heads. Me’s topping today.’ She exclaimed happily, thankful that she wouldn’t really have to do too much work tonight.

‘Wait are you actually serious?’ Ianto asked bemused, ‘that’s how you decide whose topping?’

‘Well yeah we just flip a coin, or a conveniently placed dvd, or there was one time we flipped a shoe, which doesn’t really work too well, but yep that’s how we do it’ Me explained.

‘That’s fucking genius! Why haven’t we ever tried this?’ Ianto asked Jack before walking over to him and dragging him by the elbow to the closest bedroom, finally they could have the reunion they were both most excited about.

'Welp looks like they’re busy just now’ Clara said turning to Me, ‘what do you say we also get busy?’

‘I thought you’d never ask’ Me replied before following her girlfriend to another room in the diner, ‘and remember darling I’m on top tonight’

 

**AN: The first (and good part) of this chapter was written by my lovely friend Georgia and I’ll leave a link to her at the end of this so you can check her out and the second part was written by yours truly which is why it sort of sucks. I have a vague idea of where this is going and how it will end but as usual I am a crappy writer and I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it. Hope you all enjoyed this and what not. Please like comment and share cause that would be fab.**

**<http://archiveofourown.org/users/adenaide/pseuds/adenaide> **


	12. The New And Improved Time Travelling Team

So far Me and Clara have learned a lot about Jack and Ianto, from the fact that Ianto never wears matching socks, and how Jack loves to sing along to the Spice Girls while showering, and that Ianto has a weird and un ironic appreciation for scene kid culture, and most notably how Jack Harkness finds it difficult to detect sarcasm.

At first this was very amusing for the two girls, who quickly turned this into a completion between the two of them and Ianto, the aim of the game being to convince Jack to do the most ridiculous thing before he worked out you weren’t being serious.  The winner of this competition was undoubtedly Ianto who managed to convince Jack that he actually thought it would be a great idea if the four of them had matching jackets to show everyone that they were a team.

Admittedly, this did backfire slightly when Jack all but skipped gleefully through the door of the Diner one day clutching a large shopping bag containing aforementioned jackets.

‘Everyone! Team Meeting! Get your sexy arses to the control panel!’ he yelled, voice echoing through the rooms in the diner.

After a few minutes everyone had managed to drag themselves out of bed and begrudgingly made their way to see what the racket was all about, well close enough. Ianto was wearing Captain America pyjama bottoms and had somehow managed to already make himself coffee, Me was in a panda onesie and was dragging a blanket behind her and on top of this blanket was a still sleeping Clara Oswald.

Jack was extremely offended by this because he was much more important than sleep, so he grabbed the blanket from Me and violently shook it causing Clara to face plant the floor and subsequently wake up.

‘What the shit? Jack I am going to kill you’ she mumbled, attempting to be threatening but utterly failing in doing so due to the fact she was still roughly seventy percent asleep and was wearing a set of child’s Adventure Time pyjamas as she was short enough to fit into them.

At this point Jack decided that his news was too important to wait for Clara to be more awake than she currently was and decided to press on with his impromptu team meeting as she dozed off on the floor beside him.

‘So, I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today?’ Jack said with an overly theatrical air of mystery to his voice, he soon dropped the amateur dramatics when he notices the exceptional Jack-I-am-going-to-murder-you look he was getting from Me, ‘Anyway, I think you will all be thrilled to know that I have finally found exactly what this team needs to truly cement us together.’

At this jack reached into the bag and pulled out the four jackets, ‘TA DAH!’

‘Um Jack what exactly have you went out and bought?’ Me asked, eyeing the jackets in Jack’s hand suspiciously.

‘Well Me, I think you’ll find that these jackets,’ He threw the first jacket towards Ianto who caught it perfectly, ‘are the single most fashionable item of clothing,’ He threw the second towards Me who only just managed to catch it, ‘And quite possibly the greatest purchase I have ever made.’ He threw the third one towards Clara who made no effort whatsoever to grab it and instead let it fly right past her and land on the floor.

Ianto and Me both held up their new jackets to examine what on earth Jack had just bought for them.

The answer to that question, would be that Jack had purchased four black leather jackets, and on the front of these jackets was everyone’s names, and on the back of the jackets were the words Time Travelling Team. Taking up every inch of space on the back of the jacket. In bold capital lets. Written in neon pink rhinestones.

‘Right I have multiple questions,’ Ianto began looking at the frankly horrific item of clothing his hands, ‘The most important one being; What the fuck is this?’

‘Well Ianto, you said you wanted matching jackets for us and I used my initiative and came up with a really cool team name and I even designed the jackets myself.’ Jack answered, smiling smugly as if he was extremely proud of himself, ‘and I am expecting us all to wear these everywhere we go so everybody knows that we are the ultimate squad goals.’

Clara had finally awakened and retrieved her jack, giving it a once over before deciding that honestly, she had done stranger things than wear this jacket, and trying it on.

‘You know this is actually a really fucking comfy jacket, I mean okay the outside is rather questionable but the inside is actually really soft and warm. I don’t even care man I’m totally going to wear this.’

‘Well if you’re wearing it then so am I,’ Me announced because she was very into cute coupley things such as matching dorky outfits.

The three of them looked at Ianto, making puppy dog faces at him, Jack even went as far to pout like a child who was about to cry, ‘Come on Ianto you’ve got to wear it now.’ He said batting his eyelashes in an attempt to look cute.

‘If I agree to wearing the stupid jacket will you let me go back to bed?’

‘YES’ yelled Jack jumping up and down slightly with excitement.

‘Fine, now I’m going back to bed so don’t disturb me’

Jack being Jack, however excitedly ran after him and plonked himself down beside Ianto in the bed.

Ianto turned to look at him seriously ‘You do realise I wasn’t being serious about the jackets right? Like I didn’t actually mean we should have them?’

‘Oh sweetie, of course I knew. I just thought you’d all look damn good in leather.’ Jack said smirking, before he rolled over onto his side, ‘Night babe.’

 

**AN: YAY AN UPDATE CAN I GET A HELL YEAH? Was that lame? Yeah probably.**

**Anyways this is a really cracky filler chapter as I am probably nearing the end of this story unless I am hit with some genius creative idea, but I’m not ready to finish it quite yet so expect a couple more random chapters before I get back onto anything remotely to do with a plot line. This hasn’t been proof read as I am trying to do a million and one things right now so if you see any mistakes let me know. And as always I hope you liked this and it would be great if you could like and comment and all that stuff.**


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